Survival at it's finest

To say that this semester has been overwhelming would be an understatement. Between classes, work, and staff for CBL, I've had just enough time to breathe.

But... that being said, it has been such a blessing in the midst of the whirlwind. I love my job and am daily reminded of how lucky I am to work in the office where I work. The ladies I work for genuinely care about me and my life and have made the last year at the office so much fun.

CBLstaff has been an experience like no other. I have been stretched and challenged and frustrated and encouraged beyond belief. The other staff members have become my closest friends, and have seen me at my worst, yet never fail to encourage me and remind me that I am loved and appreciated. This semester started with CBL staff retreat, which we took time to get to know each others' personality types, making it easier to understand why someone does something a certain way. This particular event made me increasingly aware of just how weird I am.

The point of the Myers-Briggs test is to find the personality that you most often fall under. We are all capable of acting a different way, but what is most natural for you. For me, I was 100% Extrovert, 0% Sensing/Intuition, 50% Feeling, 0% Perceiving/Judging. Why does that make me weird? Because I fit perfectly into 4 different personality types. I don't naturally lean more one way or the other for Sensing/Intuition or Perceiving/Judging. Check out the traits of the 4 personality types I fall under.

ESFP - The Performer 
People-oriented and fun-loving, they make things more fun for others by their enjoyment. Living for the moment, they love new experiences. They dislike theory and impersonal analysis. Interested in serving others. Likely to be the center of attention in social situations. Well-developed common sense and practical ability. Unfailingly warm and generous with their friends, and generally treat everyone as a friend

ESFJ - The Caregiver 
Warm-hearted, popular, and conscientious. Tend to put the needs of others over their own needs. Feel strong sense of responsibility and duty. Value traditions and security. Interested in serving others. Well-developed sense of space and function. Need approval from others to feel good about themselves. Hurt by others’ indifference and don't understand unkindness.

ENFJ - The Giver
Popular and sensitive, with outstanding people skills. Externally focused, with real concern for how others think and feel. Usually dislike being alone. They see everything from the human angle, and dislike impersonal analysis. Very effective at managing people issues, and leading group discussions. Interested in serving others, and probably place the needs of others over their own needs. Strong need for close, intimate relationships, and will put forth a lot of effort in creating and maintaining these relationships.

ENFP - The Inspirer
Enthusiastic, idealistic, and creative. Able to do almost anything that interests them. Great people skills. Need to live life in accordance with their inner values. Excited by new ideas, but bored with details. Open-minded and flexible, with a broad range of interests and abilities. Almost always have a strong need to be liked and place great importance on their inter-personal relationships.

I seem to fit perfectly into all of these, and the biggest commonality between all of these is the importance placed on relationships. I have become more aware of the fact that I value relationships more than the average person because of my personality(ies?). That being said, the downfall to my personality is the fact that I hurt very easily when others don't visibly show the same amount of passion for our friendship. That simple fact has weighed heavy on me this semester and been at the forefront of my mind. My relationships are constantly changing and I never understood why I was the only person who cared that I was losing a friend, or growing distant, or simply not growing closer. I'm having to constantly remind myself that not everyone values relationships in the same way that I do, but that's not to say they don't value relationships at all.

If that wasn't challenging enough, I've also had to learn a great deal about trust. I applied for Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary back in October and was accepted a short time later. 12 days, to be exact. Those 12 days, and the 9 days it took me to actually submit the application, were the most intense days of my life. I never realized how much trust I was lacking. As if I were in control of my life and my future, I was beyond nervous that I was not going to get in to seminary. And when I did I was mad at myself for thinking otherwise. God is bigger than me and my ego, and He began showing me just how little control I had in my life, and that it is ok to let go and let Him move in my life.


As this semester progressed, I began to get more restless here in College Station. My relationships with people here were constantly on my mind and I began to feel like I was suffocating while I waited for graduation. I sent a text message to a friend, a lady that I have grown to love and to admire, admitting my horrible attitude about my desire to leave College Station ASAP and start my life in DFW. Her response to me has been swimming in my mind since then. She said: 

"It's like when you are a senior in high school and things at home/friends/routine is a total beat down... God's way of making you restless and preparing you for the next season of your life. That way you wont look back when the time comes..... God is moving, working, preparing... Seek Him deeply right now for what He is trying to teach you."

This time is a blessing, not despite my restlessness, but because of my restlessness. It is a beautiful moment in my life where I can take full advantage of where I am, loving on the people around me (regardless of their loving me back at the same time) and allowing God to mold me and move in me, preparing me for what is next. I've started to be so thankful in those moments of longing to graduate, seeing that God has blessed me so much with my time here and with a small glimpse of what my future may hold.




All that to say...... I am really excited to see what comes to play in the next 6 months. God is already opening doors that I never dreamed of and revealing how His hand has been preparing the way for me for many many years. I cant even begin to describe how excited I am for next semester and for next year.

A Year Ago Today Pt. 3

October 16, 2012. It feels like yesterday. The last year has flown by.

This day, one year ago, my family experienced another heartbreaking loss, but also found an extreme sense of relief. Before you think "how awful", hear me out.

My papaw was an interesting guy. In all my life, I count very few moments where I remember him contribute more than one or 2 sentences at a time to any conversation. He was very shy and was much more comfortable with simply watching the show my family puts on at every gathering and chuckling to himself. I do remember him laughing. A lot. He always laughed. Maybe at us, maybe with us, but regardless, he loved our family and he was happy with us.

I can only imagine that his shyness was intensified when his dementia set in. At first he recognized us as his grandchildren, but just wasnt sure which one each of us was. Mom told me that he had her label the family pictures on his wall at his house so that he could look at them and know our names, even though he knew he wouldnt remember them on his own. With 15 grandkids, all of the girls blonde, who could blame him? Regardless of the dementia, he loved us.

As the dementia got worse, he only knew us as grandkids in certain settings. If we were at church with our parents or at any family function, the process was always the same. "Hey Papaw, how are you?" "Hello, are you Vickie's daughter?". It makes me smile to remember exactly how he would respond every single time. He would show up on the wrong day for things, show up hours earlier than necessary, and always just sat and watched the show of the crazy Allen family.

A few weeks before he passed away, my papaw had a stroke. From the way my mom described it, a stroke is a disease and one of the side effects is that it intensifies the diseases already active in your body. After his stroke took full effect, my papaw sat in his hospital bed and had no idea who we were. At any given moment, tears would roll down his cheeks when he would look at these young blonde girls in his hospital room. He had no idea who we were anymore. He couldnt talk so we would hold his hand and ask him questions and he would shake his head in response. Thats the last moments I remember with him, looking worn down by the world and by the weight of the disease in his body, confused and saddened. When he left his earthly body, we were sad to see him go, but anyone who knew my papaw would know how much his healing came that minute he took his last breath.

My papaw loved Jesus. He was a brilliant man who wanted to tell everyone what he had learned. My papaw left this world and joined my grandad in God's presence, basking in God's glory.


My Uncle Larry said it best when he gave the eulogy. My papaw's personality hindered him in many ways here on earth. He didnt come to games or concerts, wasnt good with names or remembering, and his introverted self kept him from being social. But when my papaw left this world, he gained a new set of skills. He sees every game and concert, he remembers our names, our birthdays, and he is living it up in Heaven.


I've said it before and I'll say it again... My family loves hard and we hurt hard. We hurt when we lost him, and today it still hurts to know he is gone. But Billy Allen loved hard just like the rest of us. He showed it in a strange way, and sometimes I even failed to realize how much he loved us, but it doesn't take more than a glance into his home to see that his family was his world. If there's one thing I will take from his life, it is the reminder to love in every way that I am capable, even if others dont understand.

Honor much deserved ::WARNING:: This one's long

I was privileged enough to be a part of something last night that most people never get to experience. One of the most influential men in my life is Tim Young, my youth pastor at Spring Baptist Church. Tim has been the youth pastor for the last 6 years at SBC and was called to fill a different position at the same church. Last night, I drove home to Spring to go to Tim's very last Wednesday night service with the youth ministry and was blessed to share a small amount of the influence Tim has had on my life. Here is a MUCH bigger idea of the hand print he left on my life.

Tim Young first came into my life as a bible study leader with his brother-in-law, David Morris. David and Tim lead my 7th grade bible study at Spring Baptist. We were at an awkward phase at that time, in between youth ministers and bouncing between interim youth pastors. At that time, Tim worked for Xerox. A little more than a year later, our church hired a Youth minister and Tim became the Assistant Youth Pastor, or so it seemed, even if the title or pay wasn't official, and worked with middle school. I was still in 8th grade so I fell under Tim's direct leadership for a short time.... in that time the words "Edify!" and "Right on!" were etched into my brain so heavily that they will forever bring up images of Tim Young. 

During those years, Tammy Young, Tim's wife, took me under her wing and I became very good friends with their niece, Morgan, and my brother was dating Morgan's sister, Brittany. The Benks, the Morris's, and the Youngs did a lot together, including Sunday night dinner at Whataburger after church. The girls would all spend the night at Tim and Tammy's and I cant tell you how many ridiculous movies we watched.... all the girls and Tim. Madea..... Actually, anything Tyler Perry.... Anaconda (I blame my very unhealthy fear of snakes on Tim and Tammy). Poor Tim.... Thinking back, I cant imagine that was fun at all. We ganged up on him every time and teased him about every little thing.... including one awkward encounter with puppy anal glands.

The summer before my Junior year in high school, I surrendered my life to ministry having no idea what in the world I was doing, so naturally, I just pretended like it never happened. One month later, our youth pastor left to move to Oklahoma. I was very involved in the youth ministry, singing in the praise band, on leadership teams and just simply overly active. It was difficult for me to lose a youth pastor, especially at that time. I was up on my high horse by then and my pool of friends was dwindling because of it. I stuck to the adult leaders of the youth group like glue. Tim filled the roll of the interim youth minister and I quickly learned how much fun it was(or wasn't) to lead worship without being able to play the guitar. Our youth pastor had been the one to lead worship and now that he was gone, Tim, being musically declined, couldn't fill that spot. So 3 doofus Juniors picked it up on our own.... Merritt on guitar, Sam on djembe, and me singing. It was quite the experience. It didn't help anything that I had a deep rooted anger towards the people in that youth group at the time.... a fire I kindled for several years.
 
When Tim became our full time youth minister, life began to change. We hired someone to lead worship. That was awkward... he didn't last long... so we hired another one, Steve Riser. We also hired an Assistant Youth Pastor..... Carl McKenzie. The combination of these two men, along with a family friend named Ryan Bradshaw, began an intense work in breaking me of my horrible bitterness toward everyone. I became very close to all 3 men, seeing all of them as mentors in different ways. Tim continued to pour into me, call me out when I was wrong, and push push push because he knew I was capable of so much more.

Come December of my senior year in high school, Carl McKenzie disappeared for a few weeks of vacation. I still remember the last conversation he and I had before he went on vacation and I remember the conversation we had the Wednesday he came back. Tim was awkward that Wednesday. We had started a rotation of girls singing with Steve Riser and I had switched with another girl to help her out. I wasn't supposed to be at church that night because I worked at Lifeway the weeks I wasn't singing. That night, Carl announced that he was leaving Spring Baptist. My heart was broken. It was one of the hardest experiences ever for me, and I know, at the time, Tim knew it would be. The next Wednesday that I sang at church, I told Tim it would be my last Wednesday in the praise band. He was so upset with me, but family tragedy happened that same night and Tim's mother passed away.

By the time Tim had come back from everything with his family, I was looooong gone. I blamed my youth group and the "messed up" people in it for Carl leaving and I didn't want to be anywhere near them. I was at church on Sunday mornings and Sunday nights, only because I had to be. Wednesday nights were spent at church with my friends who didn't go to Spring Baptist. I remember Tim's response to me when I told him I wouldn't be at Dnow that year because I had another commitment. Ive seen Tim angry a few times.... but only one time at me. He was M.A.D. at me for giving up on the youth group. But in my selfishness I just walked away. I learned a lot that semester about my heart and what my motives really were behind leading worship and how God WANTS worship to happen. I eventually made my way back to church one Wednesday night right before graduation. I avoided commitment, but decided to go to camp.

At camp, broken friendships began to mend and relationships were strengthened within a solid group of seniors who were all going to A&M in the fall. After going off to school, we saw Tim Young show his face in College Station one night our freshman year. A friend, a kid from the youth group, ended up in the ICU one night. The rest of us all happened to be together in the library that night so we all packed up and went to the hospital to sit in the ICU waiting room. We wanted to be there to show support and be the love from our families to their family. About 45 minutes after getting to the hospital, Tim Young walked through the door and joined us in the waiting room. An hour long drive from his house to College Station was nothing when one of his students was in critical condition. He sat with us, a youth minister and 5 goofy college kids, and waited. If that doesn't speak testament to his heart and his character, I don't know what does.

He continued to come to College Station for breakaway and was a constant face and encourager for us in college. When I realized I was called to youth ministry, my mentor relationship with Tim just strengthened. He has been a source of comfort in times of ridiculous anxiety, like when I was freaking out about jobs for post-graduation when graduation was a year and a half away, and wise counsel for me for personal and biblical advice. I can say my youth minister did not leave me when I went to college. He has stayed a text or a phone call away the entire time.

All of this, as sporadic as it was, to say, Tim Young has left a huge mark on my life. In 7 years in the youth ministry at Spring Baptist, I saw 7 different men, youth pastors, interims, and assistant youth pastors, come and go. I've said it before and I still stand by it; Tim Young was the best thing to happen to Spring Baptist Church's youth ministry.Tim allowed God to take his heart and love for people and pour it into the mess of a youth ministry we had at the time and God worked wonders through Tim. Sitting where I am now, a super senior at Texas A&M, I see the massive effect Tim had on so many lives. There is no one I trust, outside of family, to be completely honest and to lead me in the right direction than Tim Young. The love of Christ is written on everything he does and it has been such a privilege to be mentored and lead by a man like Tim.

Exodus 14:14

Today is a day full of rollercoaster emotions.

Sweet:
My brother's birthday is today!!! He's 24!!! I love him very much and am the luckiest little sister in the world!!!!!!! Also, today Kristen and Kyle revealed that Baby Fluker #1 is on the way!!!!! Benk Grandbaby #4!!!!! We love babies and are so very excited to double our count in the next 6 months!!

Bitter:
If you have read any of my blog, there is a common theme among my posts. My family is a special one. We are close and every day we grow closer and closer. It is no secret that my family has faced a lot of challenges in the last few years. We arent strangers to hospital visits, scare premature births, diseases, surgeries, cancer or death. One thing that makes us unique is the relationship we maintain with our "extended" family. My great-aunts have got to be the funniest women alive. Technically, I have 2 grandmothers, but my heart has room for more than that.

My Aunt Bettie is the biggest blessing to our family. She is married to my Papaw's brother. You might think that, having her own kids and grandkids, she would view us as simply her nieces and nephews through marriage (and their crazy kids). That couldnt be more wrong. Bettie Allen claims us as her own. She is more proud of us, nieces, nephews, great-nieces, great-nephews, and double-great-nieces than anyone could even imagine. If you didnt know any better, you might think she really was my grandmother.

Not too long ago, I got a call from my mom, the day after getting back from Falls Creek. She told me some heartbreaking news. Aunt Bettie has cancer. I sat on the phone crying for a little while as mom told me everything she knew. Not again. Havent we seen this road enough times? A week or so later, I got an update that was a little more unnerving, yet hit me in the gut at the same time. Aunt Bettie has Lymphoma.

Lymphoma... I know lymphoma... we've met before. My grandad had lymphoma for several years. Ive watched it take its toll. There is no cure, but it can be contained. BUT. I do know that lymphoma, if treated effectively and quickly, is not an aggressive cancer. I have taken comfort in the fact that no cancer is easy, but this cancer will not win.

So what is it that makes today bitter? Today Aunt Bettie began chemo. Today my family joined together across the country and prayed for comfort and peace for such an amazing woman. Today started the fight against this monster. Today I needed a little more reminding just who is calling the shots here.

 

My heart is hurting for my Aunt Bettie. I love her dearly and would give anything for a chance to hug her neck. We face a long road... but I say we, because my family fights as a team. We dont walk roads like this alone. Yes, these trials hurt and these trials are hard, but these trials make us stronger and give us a bond that other people cant understand.

I have the best parents, siblings, grandmothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, & nieces (and nephew(s) who are still baking) that I could ever hope for. We, as a family, serve a Mighty God, and we, as a family, know who holds tomorrow. Not many people can say that.

So today, bittersweet as it may be, Im choosing to let God fight for me... because resting in Him is so much more fulfilling.

Blessing through tears

Twice in one day!!!! look at me go!!!!

Not really. My last post was written back in May, I just never got around to posting it.

This summer is halfway over and boy has it been a ride. I couldn't even begin to tell about some of the crazy things that have happened. For starters, my car has all but crapped out on me. If you're driving around Bryan/College Station and you're wondering why the green Ford Escape in front of you is going 20 miles under the speed limit, don't hate me.

I just recently went to camp with Bridges Community Church to Falls Creek. What an unbelievable experience. I don't know what I expected, but I was not at all prepared for what God had in store. I could go on and on about the things that happened but I wont. I simply want to give a "brief" overview of what happened in the lives of two of my students and in the lives of two humbled college girls who just THOUGHT they had an idea of how mighty their God was.

I was blessed to have the high school girls at camp this year, along with serving beside one of my dearest friends, Ashely Urbanovsky. When we got to camp, we had 6 high school girls, two of whom were denying Christianity.

Victoria, one of the girls, believed that there was probably a God but she didn't believe in Jesus. Victoria and I go way back. I have known her since my freshman year in college and have loved getting to watch her grow. For as long as I have known her, Victoria has battled with her beliefs. We spent a lot of time talking one on one and with the rest of the girls about God and about Jesus and about forgiveness. A lot of what we talked about was difficult for me to say and I know was really hard for Victoria to hear. She wanted answers and she wanted tangible, secular evidence that Jesus was the Son of God, and no matter how hard she looked, she couldn't find it. Thursday of that week at camp, Victoria and I sat down and got real with each other. We talked a lot about how sin is a cycle and often times when someone hurts us, we hurt other people the same way. We talked about forgiveness and how, even though Victoria felt like she couldn't accept God's forgiveness if she couldn't forgive herself for things, God's forgiveness was already given, regardless. In tabernacle that night, at the end of the message, the speaker reiterated everything we had talked about that week to answer any of Victoria's questions, but Victoria had stepped out to go to the bathroom and missed the entire thing. My heart was broken. I said some not nice things to Satan and I sat down in the middle of the row, on the ground and I cried. Ashley sat down next to me and cried with me. It was that moment that Ashley and I realized that it was time to step out of the way, let go of our pride, and let God do His job. We had already seen God say things through us that we had no idea where they came from. We knew He was working, but we felt like we could give it that little extra push if we just kept trying. That's not how God works. That night, there on the floor, I let go. I couldn't do anything but pray and trust that God was still at work in a more powerful way than the devil. In small group that night, Victoria told us that between tabernacle and small group she had decided to take that leap of faith, to not only profess to be a Christian, but to change her life and actively seek Christ. Obviously, that just etched in stone what God had shown Ashley and I already that night. Move out of the way and let God work.

Niky, Victoria's cousin, came to camp with a lot of hurt in her life and a decision of whether or not to forgive someone who had been hurting her for a long time and she had no relationship with her father. Niky's view of God was that He created the world and then left us all to suffer. She and I spent a lot of time talking about forgiveness. Friday afternoon, Niky and one of the other girls and I sat and talked about how important forgiveness is and that even though Niky's father isn't in her life, she has a Father who loves her that much and more, so much so that He saw us, in our sin and brokenness and said "I want you. I want you so much that I will sacrifice my own Son, just to be able to adopt you into my family and call you my child." I told Niky that afternoon that I couldn't make her believe, and that I wasn't going to stay around and pressure her or make her feel like she had to do anything right then and there. I hugged her and I let her go about the rest of her afternoon. That night at tabernacle, during the invitation, Niky kept making eye contact with me. I told Ashley that Niky was fighting it, so I prayed hard while the music played. Right before the end of the invitation, Niky turned around one more time and held my eye contact then said to me "will you walk with me?" Those words, the look on her face, I will never forget. My God had come through...He does, always.

Ashley and I came back to College Station with such elation and excitement about what God had done and what God was going to continue to do in the lives of those girls and in our lives. It wasn't long before we realized that we expected College Station to have experienced the same movement that we experienced. When reality set in, Ashely and I took it hard. I think we both cried silently through the sermon at church that Sunday. The rest of that day was hard for me. Satan knew I was struggling and he attacked again and again. Most of last week I spent feeling alone. I felt like no one understood and I tried to talk to a few of my friends and took their response as them not caring. That wasn't the case, but that's sure what it felt like at the time. God has since shown me the beauty in the fact that I am different. We are not called to fit in, we are called to stand out. I am different because there is no way to experience God and not be changed. The beauty is that I have a story, I have a gem, that people will notice I am different in the way I act, the things I say and the way I carry myself, and they will want to know what happened.

Ashely has been an unbelievable blessing in my life and I could not ask for a better partner in crime to share this experience with. Its not easy. Sometimes I still feel alone when I want to talk to my best friends but I cant. But every day God has revealed a new blessing to remind me that He is still working, whether that comes in the form of a new friend who came out of no where, an old friend who really does understand, or a burning desire to study His word that wasn't there before. God is good and I am so thrilled to be where I am.

UPDATE: Old post corrected finally being posted.

It's been awhile since I blogged last. My last post was a difficult one to write and life took off on a wild couple of weeks.

Since then, I have had some awesome and encouraging encounters... but here's a little update!

I have decided to push graduation back until May 2014. Post graduation, I hope to attend grad school to get my masters degree, what degree and which school is still to decided but I am looking at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary for Christian Education:Youth Ministry. That being said, the reason for pushing my graduation back is to take a full year of Greek here at A&M before graduating with my undergrad. It is a bittersweet moment, because I have been so ready to graduate and see what God has in store for me, but through this decision, I have already seen God's provision and evidence that this is where I need to spend my next year.

SOOO my blog is slightly incorrect. I have yet another 10 months to go before graduation!

Because I will be here for a full year, I took a leap of faith and applied for a leadership position in the organization I am in. Christian Business Leaders(CBL) has been my college station family for the last 2 years. I am so encouraged by the love and support that I have received from the people in this group and I wanted to allow God to use me if He saw fit. I applied for Member Development. Basically, that job sums up everything I want to do with my life. Investing in people my generation and younger in the most difficult times in their lives; Middle School, High School and College. I went through application and interview for the position. I got a call from the female Co-Director, Lily and it was the most awkward phone call ever initially. We made about 2 seconds of small talk until Lily said something to the effect of "Merritt and I really want to be transparent and up front about the whole process and I have some things I want to say to you so just hear me out." I was so freaked out and a little uncomfortable about what she was about to say. She went on to tell me that I was not chosen to be the MD for exec this year. BUT Lily then told me that she and Merritt wanted me on their staff and wanted to offer me the Financial Admin position. Simply put, I have no idea what to do, but I said "lets go!" So I am on exec for staff next year and I could not be more excited. I get to serve with some of my very best friends and I am anxious to see what God has in store for this organization.

Really God is doing some crazy things in my life and I am daily encouraged by His provisions.

A Year Ago Today pt. 2

March 21, 2012, one year ago today, the world lost an amazing man.

It still feels like yesterday.

When I was in Corpus with friends last spring break, I got a text from my parents telling me my Grandad was in the hospital. I drove home on Thursday and spent the weekend with my family. On the way home, I heard the most beautiful version of In Christ Alone by Keith Getty. A couple nights my cousins were in town and for one night, my brother and his wife and daughter were there. Under normal circumstances, it would have been so much fun to have that many of us together, but this was different. 

That Sunday, Mom took us down to the hospital again. But I didn’t realize it would be my last conversation with Grandad. Saying goodbye for the last time, Grandad hugged me and said “I love you Heather. Now, study hard”. On the way home from the hospital, listening to Pandora again, In Christ Alone came on 3 times in a row, all by different artists.

Grandad had battled cancer, Nonhodgkins Lymphoma, since I was in early high school. Over those last few years, He fought with diabetes, a lung disease, and a case of shingles that never went away. I remember him coming to our house with an oxygen tank when he would come to Houston for his doctors’ visits. I remember him wearing the oxygen tube a whole lot less than I remember him having it. He was a punk like that. Regardless, it’s always hard to see someone you love so dearly in such a fragile state. Fragile, that’s the only way to describe him the last time I saw him. Like if you hugged him too tightly, he would break.

Ultimately, the cancer, along with everything else, weakened his body. The only cause of his illness they could find was pneumonia.

I remember the call all too well. I was at work. I had run over to a different office and was working on a project, and for that reason, I left my phone at my desk. When I got back, I had a missed call from my dad. I knew exactly what it was. I called him back but it wasn’t long before I had to leave work.

I didn’t go to class that week. I stayed in college station through Thursday only because of the organization I am in. They met on Thursdays and I needed to be around people who knew what I was going through and who loved me and were praying for me.

I left Friday morning for Waco and the funeral was Saturday morning. My dad pulled me aside Friday night and asked me if I would be interested in singing at the funeral. My first reaction was “heck no!” I couldn’t even keep tears back before then, how was I supposed to sing at his funeral without bawling? But I told him I would think about it. For some reason I brought my guitar with me. I have no idea why to this day. I pulled my brother, Spencer, aside and asked his opinion on a song. When I think of my Grandad I think of the hymns he always sang around the house. I suggested It Is Well, but Spencer didn’t know it very well on the guitar. He suggested Beautiful. I told him I would think about it, and I would let him know for sure. By the time we got to the hotel that night, I had talked myself out of singing. I told  Spencer there was no way I could do it, then I got ready for a shower. Im a singer, so of course I sang through Beautiful in the shower that night and all I could think was that It wasn’t about me, it was me singing for my Grandad. If I cried, that’s ok, because he loves me regardless.

I went to the other hotel room, where all of my siblings were at the time, and told Spencer I would sing. He left the room to go get my guitar and while he was gone, Brian asked me if I had ever heard the song In Christ Alone. It stopped me dead in my tracks. I told him yes, and he asked if maybe Spencer and I could sing it instead of Beautiful. Brian was giving the eulogy and at the end of the eulogy he was going to quote the last verse of In Christ Alone; “no guilt in life, no fear in death. This is the power of Christ in me.”

I had no idea what that song would come to mean to me. I have led that song one time since then. Im not sure how I managed to, but I did. Every other time I hear that song, I cry. Its almost like, for just a moment, my Grandad is right there with me… Giving me one of his huge hugs and making some joke in my ear that my mom wouldn’t like.  

I miss him every single day. Some days are better than others, but not a day goes by that I don’t think about him. His laughter still rings in my ears like he’s just in the other room. But he’s not. He’s happier now, though, and healthy for the first time in years.

I know one solid thing about Grandad. Ill go by the cemetery today on my way back from Waco. Ill put flowers at his grave and shed a few tears. But my Grandad isn’t there. He was the most godly man I have ever met, and there is no doubt in my mind that He is smiling down on us from Heaven. He’s waiting at the gates for us to come home too.

Today is hard. Ive already shed a lot of tears. My heart hurts and I would give anything to have one more conversation, share one more hug, with that special man. My family loves hard and they hurt hard and today my family is hurting. I have never been alone in college. I have always had a family member with me here, both siblings and cousins on my mom's side. All my siblings have graduated and moved on, and today, I feel alone. Today, I simply wish to be with my family, to hug my daddy and have my mom reach out and grab my hand, squeezing it three times to say "I love you" and tell me everything's going to be ok. Today, College Station is the very last place I want to be.