A Year Ago Today pt. 2

March 21, 2012, one year ago today, the world lost an amazing man.

It still feels like yesterday.

When I was in Corpus with friends last spring break, I got a text from my parents telling me my Grandad was in the hospital. I drove home on Thursday and spent the weekend with my family. On the way home, I heard the most beautiful version of In Christ Alone by Keith Getty. A couple nights my cousins were in town and for one night, my brother and his wife and daughter were there. Under normal circumstances, it would have been so much fun to have that many of us together, but this was different. 

That Sunday, Mom took us down to the hospital again. But I didn’t realize it would be my last conversation with Grandad. Saying goodbye for the last time, Grandad hugged me and said “I love you Heather. Now, study hard”. On the way home from the hospital, listening to Pandora again, In Christ Alone came on 3 times in a row, all by different artists.

Grandad had battled cancer, Nonhodgkins Lymphoma, since I was in early high school. Over those last few years, He fought with diabetes, a lung disease, and a case of shingles that never went away. I remember him coming to our house with an oxygen tank when he would come to Houston for his doctors’ visits. I remember him wearing the oxygen tube a whole lot less than I remember him having it. He was a punk like that. Regardless, it’s always hard to see someone you love so dearly in such a fragile state. Fragile, that’s the only way to describe him the last time I saw him. Like if you hugged him too tightly, he would break.

Ultimately, the cancer, along with everything else, weakened his body. The only cause of his illness they could find was pneumonia.

I remember the call all too well. I was at work. I had run over to a different office and was working on a project, and for that reason, I left my phone at my desk. When I got back, I had a missed call from my dad. I knew exactly what it was. I called him back but it wasn’t long before I had to leave work.

I didn’t go to class that week. I stayed in college station through Thursday only because of the organization I am in. They met on Thursdays and I needed to be around people who knew what I was going through and who loved me and were praying for me.

I left Friday morning for Waco and the funeral was Saturday morning. My dad pulled me aside Friday night and asked me if I would be interested in singing at the funeral. My first reaction was “heck no!” I couldn’t even keep tears back before then, how was I supposed to sing at his funeral without bawling? But I told him I would think about it. For some reason I brought my guitar with me. I have no idea why to this day. I pulled my brother, Spencer, aside and asked his opinion on a song. When I think of my Grandad I think of the hymns he always sang around the house. I suggested It Is Well, but Spencer didn’t know it very well on the guitar. He suggested Beautiful. I told him I would think about it, and I would let him know for sure. By the time we got to the hotel that night, I had talked myself out of singing. I told  Spencer there was no way I could do it, then I got ready for a shower. Im a singer, so of course I sang through Beautiful in the shower that night and all I could think was that It wasn’t about me, it was me singing for my Grandad. If I cried, that’s ok, because he loves me regardless.

I went to the other hotel room, where all of my siblings were at the time, and told Spencer I would sing. He left the room to go get my guitar and while he was gone, Brian asked me if I had ever heard the song In Christ Alone. It stopped me dead in my tracks. I told him yes, and he asked if maybe Spencer and I could sing it instead of Beautiful. Brian was giving the eulogy and at the end of the eulogy he was going to quote the last verse of In Christ Alone; “no guilt in life, no fear in death. This is the power of Christ in me.”

I had no idea what that song would come to mean to me. I have led that song one time since then. Im not sure how I managed to, but I did. Every other time I hear that song, I cry. Its almost like, for just a moment, my Grandad is right there with me… Giving me one of his huge hugs and making some joke in my ear that my mom wouldn’t like.  

I miss him every single day. Some days are better than others, but not a day goes by that I don’t think about him. His laughter still rings in my ears like he’s just in the other room. But he’s not. He’s happier now, though, and healthy for the first time in years.

I know one solid thing about Grandad. Ill go by the cemetery today on my way back from Waco. Ill put flowers at his grave and shed a few tears. But my Grandad isn’t there. He was the most godly man I have ever met, and there is no doubt in my mind that He is smiling down on us from Heaven. He’s waiting at the gates for us to come home too.

Today is hard. Ive already shed a lot of tears. My heart hurts and I would give anything to have one more conversation, share one more hug, with that special man. My family loves hard and they hurt hard and today my family is hurting. I have never been alone in college. I have always had a family member with me here, both siblings and cousins on my mom's side. All my siblings have graduated and moved on, and today, I feel alone. Today, I simply wish to be with my family, to hug my daddy and have my mom reach out and grab my hand, squeezing it three times to say "I love you" and tell me everything's going to be ok. Today, College Station is the very last place I want to be.

Faith like Hannah

This morning my heart is a little heavy. There are so many things going on that I dont have the answers to and I'm having to learn patience. Big time.

Friday morning, I wrote "Jedidiah" on my wrist. For those of you who arent around me often enough to notice, I usually have something written on my left wrist. It changes but the most reoccurring is "In Christ Alone". Sometimes it says a bible verse, sometimes it says "Tirzah" (which means desirable or pleasing to God) but it is always something that is on my heart that I need to be reminded of throughout the day. Jedidiah is the name given by God through Nathan to Solomon (son of David) in 2 Samuel 12:24-25. Jedidiah means "Beloved of God". I get so caught up sometimes worrying about what other people think and if my decisions in life will change the way a person views me. I needed to be reminded that God is the only opinion that matters in the long run. If I align myself with Christ, no one can be against me.

When I was reading in 2 Samuel, I decided to fill my time at work just reading the bible. I went to 1 Samuel and started from the beginning. In 1 Samuel 1, Hannah is completely heartbroken because she is barren. She wants so badly to have children but she cant. Her husband asks her in verse 8 why she stayed so sad and why he inst enough to make her happy. At first I was like "yeah. be happy because your husband loves you!" until I kept reading and realized something. Hannah takes her worries to God with reckless abandonment. Hannah makes a vow to God saying in verse 11 “Lord Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head". She is sitting weeping and crying out to God when Eli, the priest, notices her and thinks shes drunk. When Hannah tells him that she isnt drunk, she is just hurting and looking for relief from God, Eli says to her "Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him." (v17). Then Hannah goes home and BOOM! 9 months later shes has a baby. BUT THATS NOT ALL!!!!!! Hannah prayed and wept over this baby, but when she finally has one, what she does is so foreign to me and so shocking. She takes her baby boy, the one she has waited so long for, and gives the baby back to God. Samuel spends his life living with Eli, the priest from earlier, and learning to be a man of God. 

uhhh WHAT?!?! What an interesting passage. As I sat and really thought about it, I realized what was happening here, at least through my eyes, in a way that spoke to the things in my life. Hannah's heart was hurting and her husband wasn't enough. People and things will never be enough. Only God is enough for our broken hearts. Only God is big enough to take away our pain or to give us the desires of our hearts. Hannah had it right, but I didn't get that at first. Hannah knew that her only source of comfort was God. THEN when God gives her what she wants, she has so much faith that she gives her son back to God, to be raised by someone else, to be seen only once a year. That is so crazy to me!!!! BECAUSE I'M SO SELFISH! I'm sitting here looking at all of the things in my life, relationships, college, possessions, and I am not willing to let go of the hold I have on those things when they don't even belong to me anyway. They were lent to me by God. Why cant I have enough faith to cry out to God for what is hurting my heart?! Instead, I turn to humans or tangible things for comfort. That's dumb. Its not even a little smart. It makes so much more sense to go to God for comfort when He is the only one who can provide what I'm needing so badly.


Faith like Hannah.... that's what I want. Enough trust to believe that God is going to provide for me. Enough humility to literally cry out to God with my worries. Enough reverence to release control of the things He gives me.